DC’s favorite cannabis-infused syrup, the infamous SLACTAVIS from Dr. Brokeleg, will be the subject of your Gentleman’s review today. If you patronize the District’s marijuana parties, you’ll find the SLAC available from our good friends at Silly Bees you probably heard me mention once or twice (and even fused with my robot Fritz to take down the Dark Cabinet in one fun adventure). Prefer your dank delivered? Our muy bueno amigos at Da DoGooders got ya covered. Boom! That’s a twofer, baby. Maybe you’ve heard of LEAN, a mix of codeine-powered cough syrup and Sprite? This here is canna-LEAN, no nasty super-addictive opiates allowed. Now, if you’ve been following a while, you know that I have a majestic tolerance for edibles, akin to a purple-maned unicorn with a golden, glittered horn. Even so, my previous experiments with the SLAC were tempered by respect for the 1500mg of RSO-style hashish in the bottle, and it induced a mild drowsiness only. For this review, I took the gloves off, threw caution to the wind, and went after it like I would any other edible review- on an empty stomach, first thing in the AM. I skipped the soda mix, too, because I’ve got a pet theory about carbonation lessening the effects of edibles, but maybe that’s just my body’s pH and I’m not a scientist, anyway, probably it has to do with moonbeams and gluten, I dunno. So, right, I drank every drop of that sizzurp strizzaight up. And that’s how I lost my Sunday.
It also knocked the rant right outta me. Good lawdy, I think my irritability coulda been sleep deprivation cuz I feel great. Totally evened out. I’ve got this genre I just learned about that is my new everything called chillwave. Washed Out is the signature artist of this sub-genre of electronica and they just came out with a new album I haven’t listened to cuz the old ones are sooooo good. As I get older and more full of myself, I find that I really don’t care about music with lyrics the way I used to. You’re heartbroken, no you’re in love, no you feel bad, no you feel good, I get it. Human experience, check. Over it. I’m getting more into music that lets me pretend that I’m on a calm, moonlit beach, eyes shut, listening to the waves crash. Perfect for SLAC-ing off. Buh dum ching.
Edibles experiments are serious business here at GTHQ, though. I get a good night’s rest, get up, wait about an hour til I’m starting to feel peckish, then down Dr. Brokeleg’s concoction in three mighty gulps. The taste is fine, but the syrup is thick and sweet and really meant for mixing. I wait twenty minutes, then I scarf down a CLIF bar with some water. If my stomach were to remain completely empty, the edible effect is diluted- I need a little, but not a lot, of food to follow it. I settle in to catch up on some old South Park I missed and begin drifting off in another twenty. I just need to shut my eyes a minute, the SLACTAVIS lies, then I pass out for two hours.
I struggled to pull myself out of bed two hours later, the sunlight forcing my eyes open. SLACTAVIS’ heavy, heady indica buzz protested, but I managed verticality. After an hour, the buzz subsided. I got into some chores, then decided I needed a real meal. I ate. I walked around a bit, then settled back down to watch my favorite foul-mouthed fourth-graders, but managed only two episodes. At 7 freakin’ PM, I pulled the sheets back up and slept another 8.5 hours. At 3:30am, I finally awoke feeling very rested. I was several hours behind everyone else watching the new episode of Game of Thrones, but Samwell’s poop-management montage from the opener had dampened my enthusiasm anyway. This week’s eunuch-sex kinda makes up for that abomination but then they spliced surgery with eating and ruined my appetite. Dammit, I just want to watch the dragons start a ZOM-B-Q already, you don’t have to keep showing us explicitly how disgusting life was in make-believe feudal times. Some of us are gonna get to live through it after our country is decimated by Chinese satellites broadcasting a sonic rage-inducing brain-hack, you know.
Right, so a couple hours later, back down for one final two hour nap before I gotta go clock in. And I’ve managed to stay awake all day today, so I think I’m done SLAC-ing. All told, the 1500mg translated into roughly twelve and half hours of much, much needed sleep. I will definitely be planning more sleep-days in the near future with Dr. Brokeleg’s SLACTAVIS syrup, I clearly got some catching up to do. While I can heartily recommend the product’s effectiveness, I don’t advise you to go after it like this madman unless you weren’t really using today anyway. And, I’m definitely looking forward to trying the new blend made from live resin! Think you can handle SLACTAVIS? Hit up Da DoGooders for delivery or look for Silly Bees‘ event appearances! At your own risk, Rip. Don’t blame me cuz you fell asleep a hundred years and now the world is too bright, frightening, and uses a language your primitive mind can’t comprehend, I’m either dead or an animated head floating in a jar. Either way, it won’t be my problem.