Hello again, my savage scavenger squirrels! For those of you admirably taking advantage of Initiative 71 to grow your own cannabis medicine at home, you may be wondering what to do with the staggering amount of trim and sugar leaves leftover from your bountiful harvest. Your Gentleman, as always (ok, most of the time), has a solution! DC Xtracts, our city’s premier extraction artists, are on the precipice of opening the lab, just in time to turn your undesirable plant material into very, very desirable dabs and vape pens. DC Xtracts mission is simple- to bring professional concentrate-crafting to the nation’s capital and reduce its reliance on the West Coast. Why bother with that risk when you can turn your flowers into unbelievably terpy, custom-packaged supercritical CO2 products right here at home?
The Gentleman reviewed one of their vape cartridges a while back, ‘member? I thought they were the shizznit back then but omg you guys DC Xtracts somehow managed to raise their game another level. Ok, first we’re gonna talk about their vape pen and then we’re gonna talk about their newest batch of sap, so rare I only got a few drops, but good damn they were amazing.
Avid growers themselves, they gave me a disposable pen filled with an experimental, subcritical oil along with sample of the three flowers they used to create it- Mango Sapphire, a Black Domina x Maple Leaf cross, and LA Confidential. Each was excellent, fresh, trichome-studded, with the wonderful flavors and scent profiles of high-quality homegrown herb. The Mango Sapphire was quintessential citrus, the LA Confidential earthy with a sharp note of pine, and one could be forgiven if they got confused and tried to pour the Black Domina x Maple Leaf on a short stack of pancakes. Delectable!
The disposable pen DC Xtracts made from these three flowers was absolutely divine. It was like vaping an orange creamsicle- but there were no terpenes added. The subcritical extraction produced this super-tasty juice that I ran through in just four days because it tasted so damn good and made a great companion for a Gentleman’s daytime adventures. The mood-boosting, mind-quieting properties kept me one step ahead of the Cuban PsyOps squad targeting me for subliminal assault. Nice try, fuckers, but you can’t nominate me for Manchurian so long as I keep my subconscious in its hazy, gilded cage!
DC Xtracts’ sap, though…a better name would be ‘nectar.’ No, wait, ambrosia. If you told me that they didn’t actually make this stuff, but rather skipped through a dimensional portal to Mount Olympus and stole it from the a pantheon too busy alternately trying to screw or kill each other to notice, I wouldn’t believe you because that’s just silly nonsense, I mean, really. But I would believe that you were high enough to have had a drop or two yourself. They had a few samples of this 100% Pure Whole Plant Extract Cannabis Oil for me to try- Buddha Tahoe, Blissful Hype (Blissful Wizard x Great White Hype), and OG x Purple Kush. Each produced an incredibly full-flavored dab. I tried the Blissful Hype first and all I could say was ‘wow.’ The clarity of the sap’s effects is exceptionally clean and felt…natural, like all the right endocannabinoid receptors got lit up at the same time like a pinball machine. A miniature sun dawned behind my eyes, brightening the world, evaporating worry as we watched East Coast Grow, a really well-done dramatic-comedy about the District’s very own burgeoning cannabis scene. This thing needs to get funded so they can afford Dustin Diamond to play moi.
If you grow that fire, DC Xtracts’ new lab will run your trim, sugar leaves, or flower into professionally-packaged sap, winterized extract, vape cartridges, disposable pens, capsules- pretty much whatever you could want, including just straight up raw. The lab will open November 14! And if you don’t grow, then listen up, my friends- DC Xtracts is THE reason to get started today. Oh! And every batch they run includes HPLC potency-testing of cannabinoids by Steep Hill Labs. Follow DC Xtracts on Instagram for hot pics of what’s cookin’ and if you’re interested in checking out their menu of extraction services, email firstname.lastname@example.org.