Weeeeell, it’s been a few months since I last checked in on the MMJ program, and it occurs to me that I never actually wrote a review for my favorite cultivator, so I figured it was high time we fixed all that. And when I say favorite, I am including my various trips out West. If you want some of the best freaking flowers you can find in the country, not just DC, if you want to smoke that lab-tested, comes in a special sealed jar that keeps icky UV rays from degrading the classy, consistently top-shelf flowers, then you are gonna need to be a DC resident and get a medical card. Then you can get Abatin Wellness. And a big ole hug from yours truly, c’mere, beautiful!
Abatin Wellness offers three Types of flower, all grown in a greenhouse here in the District. Type III are strains bred for high CBD content and little to no THC. Type II flowers seek balance between the two most abundant cannabinoids. Type I cultivars predominantly contain THC. I’ve had many, many strains from Abatin Wellness, including the Type II and Type III, but y’all know the Gentleman needs that delta-nine jacked straight into my veins, so I’m clearly a Type I gal. Northeast OG is one of my very favorites, as it combines relief for anxiety and depression with a powerful mood booster and is extremely palatable. Abatin’s Lemon Cookies, Purps, Sweet Cream, Blueberry, and Bubba Kush have all made me a very happy Gentleman at one time or another. Oh, snap, almost forgot about Berry White! Maaaan, that Berry White is another one terrific one for dealing with my super-annoying, ever-present Shinigami.
Yes! Inspired by all the hate for the movie online, I finally started watching the dumb story in my queue about a Japanese high-schooler that acquires the power to kill people by writing names in his notebook and OMG THIS HAS CHANGED MY EVERYTHING. This is one of the most epic stories I’ve ever seen! I’ve only watched, like, fourteen episodes since I started two days ago, so I’ve got a ways to be able to judge it in its entirety but this show is incredible. Hmm, maybe I just like it so much cuz this blog is kinda like my very own DeathNote.
Sou da I mean, tee-hee!
Today we’re going to review Abatin’s Pincher’s Creek, which was mercifully renamed from Green Crack. It really does not do for the movement to have ‘Green Crack’ flying off the shelves. Pincher’s Creek makes you think of some jackass in high school you used to have to go through that would help himself to a bit out of your bag, but now he’s, like, a contractor living in West Virginia with a small parcel of God’s green and a cannabis patch out back ‘long the crick and you drive out on the weekends sometimes with the kids and then you two go back in the woods, blaze a jay, and laugh about that time you bastards gave me a swirlie so hard I caught pneumonia and almost die- oh, wait, nope, that’s an episode of Archer. Sorry, it gets confusing in here sometimes.
Abatin Wellness’ Pincher’s Creek smells deliciously of warm spices. It’s like what I imagine a hot toddie smells like but I don’t know because I’m not an eighteenth century British grandmother that solves crimes with the aid of a talking mynah bird. My prepackaged jar came with a trio of perfectly manicured, impeccably cured light-green nugs with delightful orange hairs sprouting hither and dither. These buds just look healthy, man. They look artisanal and damn if they don’t smoke smoother than a dozen baby butts strung together in an absolutely adorable human centipede!
I definitely get how this cultivar came by its original name, however. Those sexy trichomes covering every greenhouse-grown inch create a medicine that is extremely smokable and doesn’t wear you down as the effects inevitably evaporate. I could smoke Pincher’s Creek all day. In fact, I pretty much did and went through the bulk of the eighth in three days. It’s buzz is most powerfully felt along my temples and further towards my forehead. I feel calm, but like many sativas, it doesn’t really quiet my anxiety. My troubled thoughts come nearly as fast as usual, but the mood enhancement Abatin’s flower provides is a fair defense from depression. Pincher’s Creek bestows some small measure of mental refreshment and energy but it doesn’t get me amped up like ChemDawg does. It’s not so loud that you’ll notice the Starbucks is quiet…too quiet. Everyone knows your stoned, even that lady’s Pomeranian eyeing you from under the table. CAN YOU READ MY MIND, DOG??? HOW DO YOU KNOW???
“But medical weed is too expensive!” Poppycock. While I would love to see a world where all the weed is free, I doubt many in this city will argue that $59.50 at Herbal Alternatives is too steep for an eighth of truly magnificent marijuana. That’s right, this isn’t even Abatin’s good good! Wait til you see the Kashmir. And from what I’ve seen of rec prices in my travels, it’s high, but not, like, crazy high. It’s the lack of scaled pricing that really hurts, as even Herbal Alternatives wants $235 for a half and doesn’t list their ounce price. But if you want some of the highest quality cannabis the Gentleman has found, available right here in DC, then you want to get a DC medical card and load up on Abatin flowers. Now, excuse me, but I have twenty+ more episodes of real DeathNote before I can properly sneer at how terrible the movie is.