Sour Grapes (Abatin Wellness)

Abatin Wellness, one of the six licensed medical marijuana growers in DC, is one of my very favorite cannabis cultivators in the entire country. Their greenhouse-grown flowers provide a compelling argument for District residents to sign up for the program, which allows doctors to recommend (not prescribe) weed for ANY CONDITION AT ALL- it is up to you and your doctor to decide if cannabis therapy could benefit you. Sometime in the near future, you may not even need to go to this much trouble, as one Council member, David Grosso, recently made national headlines with his proposal to allow patients to self-certify their need for medical marijuana and skip the doctor’s trip entirely (check out my News aggregator here). This sounds like total game-changer on its face, but since it would still require you to fill out an affidavit and thus, doesn’t provide the anonymity of Initiative 71 or other states with legal recreational laws, I doubt it will provide more than a modest (but welcome) sales increase for our local dispensaries.

Still, it will reduce the amount of time it takes for patients to begin receiving relief and further recognizes the legitimacy of cannabis medicine, so the Gentleman applauds Grosso for this effort. Hopefully it is approved and goes into effect before the Terminator Wars commence, as local government can be rather slow-going, and I’m fairly certain it’ll take less than a nano-second for a self-aware FitBit to realize that humanity is the greatest threat to its own existence and start taking steps. Duh duh duuuuuuuuh!

The Gentleman got one of Abatin’s newer “Speciale” cultivars to sample called Sour Grapes, which is exactly what these flowers smell like. The first whiff after removing the seal of the prepackaged jar floored me. Grapes! They actually smell like grapes! I went in for another, and then I caught the heavy diesel funk. Both scents coexist simultaneously but separately, a veritable Schrodinger’s Cat of weed. I was so curious I went to Seedfinder and am not one bit surprised to find out this is a cross of Sour Diesel and Grape Ape (bred by Apothecary Genetics). The flowers lived up to my lofty expectations of Abatin Wellness in every other way- incredibly fresh, Be-Dazzled with trichomes, and beautifully manicured. Abundant resin production results in icky most sticky to the touch. You’ll weep as you shove the buds heartlessly into your grinder, but shove, you will. You must. Even beautiful flowers must burn. MWAHAHAHAHAHAhaha..hem. I’m fine.

Abatin bills this as an indica, and it leans that way, but maybe 60/40? This nomenclature is a bit arbitrary, but this strain isn’t yet listed on PhytoFacts for me to check the results of Abatin’s in-house testing. What I can say for certain is that the rocket-powered Sour D parentage definitely makes its presence known. I’m not going to get any sleep smoking Sour Grapes, but it does a great job controlling my anxiety and evening out my mood. Clocking in at 19% THC, I can think clearly enough to, for example, write a perfectly coherent blog post, notwithstanding a single, maniacal laugh. I LIVE THIS, BABY! It’s good daytime medicine, but not so energetic you can’t plant yourself on the couch and take in a season of American Horror Story to soothe your rattled nerves. I don’t blame you, ghost murder is far less frightening than the evening news these days.

For now, you still gotta register for the District’s medical marijuana program through the Department of Health and seeing a doctor. I’ve partnered with the good folks at MetroX MD to make the process as easy as possible for you- you can book your appointment right here on your favoritest website in the whole wide web, mine. Teehee. Then you can get Abatin’s flowers- Speciale eighths like Sour Grapes typically go for $65. Then you can thank me profusely. Possibly with gift cards. No? Ok, just Follow me on Instagram then, that’s fine.