Dear search engine bot, this is a review for The Apothecarry Case, thank you, and might I say you look very snazzy today? Everybody else, start here:
Planets tremble at my approach. The proclamation of my Herald is the weeping of worlds. For eons, Gentlactus has strode across the infinite, laying waste to entire civilizations to satiate my overwhelming desire…for the perfect cannabis storage solution. And now, at long last, my search is over! BEHOLD, MORTALS! THE APOTHECARRY CASE! Now go, my Surfer, and tell Richards he’s too late. Oh, and that stretching is a stupid power. Waitwaitwait- ridicule him for inventing full-body yoga pants! Well, work it into a joke, Norrin, jeez. I’ve given you plenty to work with. PLENTY! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
All jokes aside, this case is unbelievably swanky. It is exactly what I always wanted before I knew it was a thing, which saves me the trouble of designing it myself. But this isn’t just another pretty face! The Apothecarry Case is eminently functional, like your own Good Place Janet, but it holds your weed instead of the irrational hope that one day someone will be able to look past all the terrible things I say on the internet and knock me up full of babies. Sigh. What were we talking about?
Apothecarry impresses itself upon you the moment you open the box. The Alderwood construction is breathtaking, slick to the touch, its staining and grain unique. This is your case, baby. You’ll notice below the lid a keyhole and combination lock to keep your stash safe from nosy neighbors, curious kiddies, and passing piranhas. Ok, let’s pop that hood.
The interior of the Apothecarry lid is lined with supple gold leather, presumably so you can pretend you’re opening Marcellus’ briefcase every day. Yay! Inside, the compartments are divided. On one side, four quarter-ounce jars snugly tucked into foam, with a dry-erase label on each so Charlie can keep track of all his little green angels, plus little Boveda packs for each to control the humidity. Below them, four silicon concentrate containers are plugged into their own cozy homes, while straps along the divider are prepared to hold your vape cartridges upright. On the opposite side, a small rolling tray hides a four-piece (three chamber) zinc alloy grinder and straps to hold your pipes or portable vape. Beside that, a removable cubby with a fresh dab tool and a large, metal cylinder to keep enough prerolls for a three day hike along the Appalachian or a three hour Snoop show, whichever.
I’ve been playing with the ideal lineup of tools to keep in my Apothecarry. Right now, my PAX 3 is strapped in, but a spoon pipe won’t fit in the designated area without making the rolling tray sit unevenly- you can still close it, but it’s so pretty I want everything to fit perfectly. Therefore, it goes in the removable cubby along with my RAW joint-rolling machine, a pack of papers, tips, pipe cleaners, & spare lighter. My clean dab tools go in the groove separating the glass jars from the silicon slicks on the other side, along with my spare carb cap and the PAX 3 concentrate attachment. The big metal cylinder gets swapped for a pair of smaller, more practical doob tubes. The vape cart straps look tight but they work great- you just need to remove the jars next to them to get the cart in, then the jar goes back in with no trouble.
The Apothecarry Case is my new favorite thing and worth every penny of the $259 price tag (there’s also an Apothecarry Travel Case for the connoisseur on-the-go that holds two strains and goes for $159). The minute I saw it out in Vegas, I knew I wanted it, and if I want it, then you want it. That’s how this works, baby! Imagine the look on your guest’s faces when you break the weed out of the Apothecarry. They’re gonna be all like, damn, dude, that is the most serious smoking thing ever. Who do you think you are, the Gentleman Toker? And if you buy one, then it is acceptable to me that when this happens, you can say that you are, and that we have a complicated arrangement where I’m the public face, while you’re the power in the shadows. Oooh, cool, just like Iron Man 2! But only if you use my affiliate link here or in the banner above so I get all the sweet, sweet credit!