Y’know I luuuurv some Real Deal Farmz flowers, one of the best growers in the city, but to my constant consternation, they aren’t available for delivery anywhere, goshdarnit. If you want to try some, best way is to sit in on his new wrestling show. This is one of my favorite reviews. The pot is awesome, the dimensional doppelganger intro is pretty strong, I get my Khaleesi on, I get my Glengarry on, I introduce my band of colorful monsters that I got the man Jwhistle to illustrate for me here…this one’s a rollicking good time.
I don’t have roommates anymore nor will I until forced to by the reality of life in the End of Days or, God forbid, my enemies strike with their Sword of Damocles before that time, and EXACTLY FOR THIS REASON. No heat in the winter? Who the hell thinks to ask “Do you run your heat in the winter?” when looking at places in Oc-freakin-tober besides, well, me from now on, duh. I COULD JUST LIVE IN THE DAMN WOODS, Y’KNOW, THAT’S EVEN CHEAPER! Ahem. I’m fine. Going back to vacation now.
It may be Cherry Blossom season here in the Nation’s Capital, but for my fellow chronnoisseurs, the Gentleman guarantees you’ll feel even more captivated by the latest Real Deal Farmz crop of fine cannabis flowers. Longtime readers knows I have a deep and abiding affection for the Farmz, but this latest batch is sublime, necessitating a shift from advice to admonishment. Make certain that you take the opportunity to sample his Tangerine Dream, LA Woman, and Grape Ape, fellow traveller, or be destroyed by a never-ending existential uncertainty, the rest of your tragic life consumed by a neurotic obsession that you’re the ‘wrong’ you, a pitiful shade of yourself that made the wrong choice and now only exists in this strange pocket dimension ruled by an orange muppet, that the real you is out there somewhere, living your real life, and that smarmy bastard Smokes Better Than You.
That’s right, I’m giving you the full court press today. Can’t help myself! I went out this weekend and made some cold calls to local businesses about advertising here on these humble electric pages. That was, uhh…educational. Experience is a cold, hard bitch of a school marm and the first thing she taught me, when I stopped to think about what my various failures had in common, was that I need a better approach then, “Hi, I’m the Gentleman Toker, you might have heard of me?” because no one has. Hahaha, right? I mean, outside of the cannabis community, of which I’m not exactly a household name, either. Predictably, it went downhill from that point each time until I was squeaking apologetic syllables and shuffling backwards out the door. But what do we always say here at GTHQ? Innovation, baby! If there’s one thing your Gentleman does well, it’s learn from his mistakes. Eventually.
And now I’m in full Glengarry mode. Coffee is for closers, baby! So, look, I’ll make this quick and then I gotta get back on my headset before Julie stops to chat and you know how she is. I know some of my readers (all of whom are substantially more intelligent & attractive than the average person) are in the biz. My traffic is gangbusters, with crazy growth every month since late ’16- get in now on the ground floor while the rates are good, lock it in, and assure yourself title and lands as the Writer of Dragons claims his long-denied birthright and ascends to the Iron Throne of Westeros. Get at me.
If this is your first trip to the Farmz, you should expect thick trichome coverage and a fantastic scent profile from Real Deal’s budz. His organic flowers deliver a full, tasty smoke with plenty of potency. The nug density varies per strain. Grape Ape is built like a heavyweight pugilist compared to the LA Woman’s dainty, refined structure, with the Tangerine Dream coming in somewhere between. That’s the one I want to talk about first.
I enjoy a good Blue Dream, but as I’ve noted on a few reviews, it’s not ideal meds for me as it doesn’t hold up well against anxiety as some other options. The husky citrus of Real Deal’s Tangerine Dream, of unrelated parentage, fixes the problem with a heavy limonene boost that also strengthens its depression-fighting properties while allowing me to enjoy an easygoing walking daydream that’s close enough to the Blue I’m looking over my shoulder for Heisenberg. Save this one for when you can chill, laugh, or for the last bit you smoke while writing your weekly weed review column. Coffee is for deadline closers, sweetheart!
Mmmm, that sugary sweet, aptly named LA Woman. Smoking these flowers is a unique experience, a shimmering Haze-like brain rush Voltroned to a strong mood balancer, this sativa is sure to loosen a silver tongue and send you off to crash parties with all the charming naivete of an Alabaman ingenue. I’m always on the lookout for a social strain that’ll push me to talk with people and not slink off into some dark corner to seethe and plot against all the ignorant, happy sheep, look at them all, chewing cud with their plastic faces, masticating and fornicating with the blissful abandon afforded to fools, their meek minds unable to comprehend their utter worthlessness as they swirl ever farther toward the impatient maw of Oblivion…see, this is why it’s better that I talk to people. I start getting all weird here by myself with only a rambunctious, colorful bunch of tiny, foul-mouthed monsters to keep me company.
Speaking of! This week’s column was originally gonna come out early and way more ranty thanks to that Grape Ape. I love that purple Kool-Aid flavor but these flowers get me amped up. I was all set to bash the short-sightedness of some right-wing cuckoo questioning why they should have to pay for other people’s healthcare when they take care of themselves, thank you very much. I had this whole sermon in mind about the unpredictability of disaster that was rapidly degenerating into sheer belligerence before I kirked out on my roommate for asking me to turn down the heat. In my defense, Don’t Fuck With My Heat. I’m negotiable on my needs for laundry, water, electricity, light…but keep that heat pumping, baby. Right, so after that, I decided to step away from that particular angle, but I can’t stay away from you, Grape Ape. Probably better saved for workouts, shoveling snow come June because don’t tell me we won’t have to, the seasons change by the hour these days but thank goodness, our country will have the best environment, bar none, once the Orange One tears up all these pesky regulations hindering us from following the sterling models set by nations like China and India (uhhhh dude wut?), or, like, angry, angry make-up sex. I guess. Or just another Tuesday. Fuck, some rageahol sure hits the spot every now and again…
Lucky for the Gentleman, he doesn’t have to live with the constant worry that the uncertain dimensional bubble in which he ekes out a meager existence is going to be compressed and erased utterly as its border collide with the dominant reality in which he did get to smoke some of Real Deal’s latest trio of green beauties, because he did, and obviously, you should, too. I can barely reach the top shelf these flowers sit upon, I can not recommend enough that you get yourself down to one of the events he’s featured at and check them out for yourself (and you can Follow Real Deal Farmz on Instagram, too). While there’s still time, young Padawan! Oh wait! He’s also got what I understand to be some real premier concentrates from these strains, too, and I hear the LA Woman/Tangerine Dream combo is particularly impressive. I haven’t had any yet and I’m already starting to fade out of this old photograph!
If I can’t get any LA Dream shatter before it’s all gone, somebody else is gonna have to teach y’all what Rock’n’Roll is. Local rock outfit Dead City Empire has the chops for it! The energy and power behind “Poison the Muse” got me instantly hooked and the Run Lola Run snippet sealed the deal. I can’t wait to check these guys out live! Dates are listed on their Facebook– they’ll be in Baltimore April 29th for Loud Fest (here’s tickets). Here’s “Kling On Warz.” Squeee!