IT’S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!! Today, July 1, is the second anniversary of the launch of the greatest website in the whole entire world, mine. It has been my honor to serve as your Gentleman and I am forever grateful for this amazing opportunity. DC’s cannabis scene has changed a lot since then. Two years feels more like twenty. A lot has changed with the site, too. I miss ranting like I did in the early days, and the emotional exhibitionism, too. I have wanted to go off so many times this year but I’ve been very, very good at not inflicting my personal views on the folks I’m reviewing and keeping the comedy light-ish. Too good. The plastic bags of vitriol shoved up my butt are leaking and I’m gettin’ shaky. But there’s no brands here but me today, baby. MWAHAHAHA!
Oh! You know what else we haven’t done in a while? Share my current earworm with you. Here, let Paris by Magic Man settle on in there. That’s it. One of us one of us one of us…
FUCK THAT. I’ve been saying the apocalypse is nigh since Day 1, but I didn’t realize we were ‘kiddie prisons’ close. JFC. These motherfucking right-wing dickbats walked away from civil discourse way before they elected a schoolyard bully to the nation’s highest office. For years, they have dismissed the progressive perspective instead of considering and compromising in good faith, writing us off as ‘snowflakes’ and ‘cucks’ and, aghast, ‘liberal.’ But now they’ve played themselves and their hypocrisy is on full display.
Their positions are not about wrong or right, moral or immoral. This is about control. A pack of basic-ass motherfuckers think you should live the way they say, that what you do with your body (and the internet) is their business, and your business is their business, plus they’ll take all the money, too. And the jackals laugh as the American Dream is stolen right from under their noses, their rights eroded, satisfied that the libs are triggered or whatever mantra they’re jacking off to.
I’ve got nothing to say to Cult 45’s Kool-Aid Kids. But for my fellow progressives silently screaming into pillows when they read the headlines, do not lose hope. Hope is a difficult flame to master. It’s easier to be discouraged, to give in to despair. Hope is difficult. It asks much of us, indeed, it asks everything we have to give, and then more still. That’s because its power is contagious. It needs more than you alone to survive. Hope nurtured is the spark that becomes the wildfire. The fascists want you to give up this wellspring of energy. Don’t give in. Today, you can lean on mine. Tomorrow, I may need to share yours.
Hope unites us. We will rise up and take back our country. We will build the cool Blade Runner future where the cities all look like Hong Kong on mescaline plus hover cars, probably. November is getting closer everyday. VOTE.
I never get myself in more trouble than when I try to give advice to nerds, but I joke about not getting laid fairly often, or at least I used to, before these microphallused morons made one of my favorite tropes toxic. So I’ve got some shit to say.
First, not all nerds are incels (hashtag #NotAllNerds). Incels, ICYMI, is short for involuntary celibate, a guy that can’t get laid and is very angry and on the internet about it (or shooting people about it- is that a thing we still care about, or…?), or at least not with a woman whose beauty meets the standards to which he feels entitled. I’d go into more detail about their POV but it is the super-duperest saddest high school shit you ever heard.
I love women. Women are the most amazing creatures to ever grace God’s green earth. There is simply nothing in this entire world that compares to the unique beauty each possesses, the charms they wield with such effortless effectiveness. And, yes, sex is the absolute best thing about being alive and if you are missing out, you really are missing out. But you are not entitled to it. There are things you can do to make yourself more attractive and if you do these things and you’re willing to risk rejection, then the odds of meeting someone mutually interested in sexy times are very strong in the long-term projection.
There are two key points that you may have missed out on, however. Women are people and relationships are work. Sounds kinda duh, right? Let me ask you this. Do you like most people? If the answer is no, you’re not gonna like most women, either. Sex is great, but when it’s over- which is probably not gonna take that long, Sluggo- you better like the person that you’re hanging out with. Oh! And her social network. Many women have extensive and confusing relationships with friends, family, co-workers, her fourteen year old Schnauzer, Snuffles, that jumps up on the bed and gently licks the arch of your foot while you’re trying to make love. You’re gonna be spending time with all of them. Do you like having a lot of time to yourself to loaf around and play video games until daybreak on the weekends? Ha. Ha. Ha. That’s not happening, buddy, cuz these bonds come with further obligations. Meals will need preparin’, dishes done, gifts bought, house cleaned, furniture purchased, motherfucking guest towels! And the talking. There will be so much of it. You will have to listen. You will have to formulate an opinion. You are not allowed to have no opinion. There will be a test. You will not like what happens if you fail the test.
I’ve presented a mere fraction of the challenges that relationships are fraught with- are you sure you want what you think you want? Playing video games all night is pretty fun. Driving three hours to attend a four-hour barbecue with your in-laws is not so much.
You motherfucking Pharisees are the absolute worst hypocrites. It may surprise you to learn that the Gentleman is a Christian. My grandfather was a preacher, my grandmother the Baptist version of Terry Pratchett’s Granny Weatherwax, all iron and fire, but it was my mother, rest her sweet soul, that showed me how to walk with God.
Today’s Church has lost all credibility and moral standing in my eyes. And now I have to explain that I’m not the homosexual-hating or abortion-banning kind of Christian, and I resent them all the more for it. For the record, people love who they love, I’m pretty sure God’s all for love, and I don’t believe my gay friends are going to Hell because they prefer the peen. That’s ludicrous. And I believe abortions should be legal cuz they are gonna happen anyway and we should make them as safe as possible. That’s just sense. Further, I’ve talked with women who’ve had abortions, and it’s not like a day at the spa. It’s a very difficult choice to make that leaves a scar on the soul. It’s not my place to judge, I have my own to bear.
“Let he who is without sin…”
“Whatsoever you do unto the least of mine…”
“No one is righteous, no, not one…”
Ringing any bells? And since I know you intimately, allow me to explain your actions. Some of you are just into the Control aspect I explained earlier, organized religion is like a breeding ground for these sociopaths. Many of you are good-hearted, but misled. You want to make gay marriage and abortions illegal to stave off God’s holy wrath and in your myopic quest to save our nation, you have allied yourself with degenerates.
Let me ask you- does God strike you as the kinda omnipotent being that cares more about the ends than the means? Perhaps you’ve noticed a certain narrative flair to His actions? You think He’s gonna reward you for supporting a sexist, racist, philandering jackass? We were commanded to be innocent as doves, but wise as serpents, and y’all are failing at both. The Gentleman assures you that, for your sins, whatever victory you think you’ve won will soon turn to ashes in your mouth.
You have lost your way. You have forgotten His Grace, the mercy He showed when you were redeemed. Most importantly, you have forgotten your true purpose. We are called to witness, to testify, but not by browbeating people with pamphlets on the street or on our weed blogs. Your life, your actions are your testimony to God’s power and mercy, not your words. You will reach your friends, family, and neighbors when they feel His love through you. Repent. If you are His children, it’s time to start acting like it.
Whew, I’m spent. This took a lot longer to get down than I expected. Thanks for letting me get this stuff off my chest. We gotta lot of cool stuff to look forward to in year three that I think you’re really gonna dig, new places to visit, new and upgraded features, it’s gonna be rad. Come on back tomorrow for your regularly-scheduled programming!