Good evening, America. For tonight’s District of the Cannabis Union address, brought to you by I71 delivery brand NFUZD (Wait 45), I thought I’d take an hour of your time to brag about my accomplishments since the Kremlin bots got me elected to the office of Gentleman. I, the Great Golden Bull, First Chosen of Moloch, Prince of the Power of the Airwaves, shall also threaten my many political rivals with imprisonment for the wild-eyed hoots and hollers of my bloodthirsty
audience err, supporters. Yes, Lock Her Up, indeed! You will forget that I was gonna make Mexico pay for the wall me and my contractor buddies are definitely not going to get rich off of while perfectly good infrastructure goes to waste, like, uhh, Puerto Rico. But you don’t need to worry about any of that, baby, you’re gonna get a cool stack back in your taxes this year in exchange for all that back plus interest after midterms. Woo! Y’all can buy a new air conditioner to deal with the fake news global warming heat this summer, then pawn it back in a couple years for little Suzie’s prescriptions cuz we’re gonna strip Obummercare down to its tighty whities. That’s right, Lock Him Up! Lock Them All Up! Ah, I love you guys.
Sigh. Sure wouldn’t mind another Pactavis Syrup right now. NFUZD fuses clothing with cannabis- you can purchase tee shirts or hats like the one the handsome Gentleman is rocking below and choose your cannabis gifts! The menu pictured on their website is limited to edibles, but they also have flower- peep their Instagram- and contact info is straightforward. So a while back, folks started mixing codeine-laced cough syrup with soda, which they called lean. I suppose it made you so tired you leaned against stuff. Also popularized in rap as purple drank, again, pretty straightforward. Of course, codeine is an opioid and addictive, so the cannabis community created canna-lean in response, a potent cannabis-infused syrup meant to get you very, very stoned so you, too, can experience the joy that is leaning against stuff. I tossed the full 2 ounces (200mg) of Pactavis into my Coke and chugged it. A little over an hour later, the Gentleman was lit. The experience was almost psychedelic, and quite euphoric, which was good, cuz I don’t know how I would have got through Bright otherwise. Will Smith is clearly wondering why hast L. Ron forsaken him in a performance that was phoned-in on a Cricket Wireless, while Jakoby the Orc is just a soggy, unlikeable mess too sad to die, too boring to live. The beautiful, intricate scenery of a Los Angeles segregated by Tolkien species is arguably the most interesting character in the film and played very well with the color-enhancing sativa buzz, which lasted a bit over two hours.
NFUZD also gave me their 8oz (75mg) Strawberry Grenade Lemonade and 35mg Unicorn Pop and an eighth of Super Lemon Haze flower to check out, all part of their Holi-Haze Box promotion from December. 35mg is a little low for me, so I combo’d these two edibles together. The Lemonade was quite sweet and I’m sure I detected some hibiscus in there along with a hint of cannabis. The Unicorn Pop is a little Fruity Pebbles kinda ball on a lollipop stick- I just ripped it off- and had a slight marijuana flavor to it, too. These two had a strong indica effect together that had my eyelids drooping after an hour, forcing me to crash shortly after. I woke up with a sweet tooth and a heavy buzz that tempted me back to bed, but soon abated.
NFUZD’s Super Lemon Haze is a beautiful flower, with light green buds are flecked with orange hairs and small trichomes. The nose is distinct, deliciously lemon. My new zinc-alloy grinder from Apothecarry made short work of the dense buds. The smoke is a bit harsh and lacking in flavor, but the buzz is legit daytime medicine. A shot of innervation, focus, an even mood, plus a rest from the constant shrieking of the unholy creatures bound in my brain by deranged druids, my penance for trespassing upon their sacred grove on the night of the blood moon as a young, arrogant trader’s son? Yes, please! I can get mad stuff done with these flowers, and by mad stuff, I mean revenge, of course. Sweet, sweet revenge. On everyone. Yes. Oh, you’re still here? Awkward.
The Gentleman thoroughly enjoyed his gifts, especially that Pactavis, also available in 400mg bottles if you’re feeling especially badass. It’s easy to get NFUZD- here’s their website! And their IG for menu pics! And a link to Subscribe to my Newsletter! Ok, I tried to getcha, but just cuz I don’t want you to miss out on this week’s free weed giveaway- somebody’s gonna win and it could be you, baby! Now, back to my Revenge Board…