The newest light of the I71 constellation, Illuminate DC is gifting cannabis to promote their 100% soy candles, handmade in the good ole’ US of A. What a brilliant idea! Who doesn’t need a few hundred candles around in case Trump’s BFFs take down the electric grid? It only takes 72 hours dark to turn polite society- which isn’t really the benchmark we’re starting at, is it?- into raging, looting mobs, and your band of survivors is gonna want someone standing guard all hours for rival gangs, so figure 4 candles a night, so that’s 12, and you can barter some of the rest for bullets or medicine, depending on the strengths or weaknesses of your cast. Oh! Or you could use some to set off a gas-leak bomb at your enemies’ suburban compound after you lure them out with the false promise of a fresh scavenge! O-ho, imagine their slackjawed faces when they return home to rubble and ruin! And they called me mad for hoarding Illuminate DC candles! MAD?!? AhahaHAHAHAHA!!!
Ah…right then. Let’s get you some candles, shall we? Illuminate DC’s site is full of useful info and easy to navigate. Their daily hours are listed at the top and their Quick Tips includes helpful info for you curious, kitten-eared noobs. You’re so cuuute with all your questions! It’s gonna be ok, Binksy, promise. You can’t see the actual gift menu until you register for an account, which usually takes about 15 minutes to be approved. Your Gentleman was gifted samples of their Headband and Sunset Sherbet flowers from their deep menu of options for review, so let’s do that before the Beast wrests control of the keyboard again and floods the site with cat memes, or worse, poetry to my star-crossed heart, damn them for shining without you here no dammit here give it back. I knew you were gonna do that.
My sample of Illuminate DC’s Headband was mostly one huge, dense nugget, light green with reddish-orange hairs jutting out intermittently. Trichome coverage was minimal, which is consistent with expectations for outdoor crops. The scent profile on this batch is subtly spicy- I feel there’s room for improvement there. The smoke itself is smooth and easy, with barely a cough through my joint. Aside from the psychic headgear the strain is named after, Headband does a great job with my mood and was fairly conducive to writing and other productive pursuits, but typical of many sativas, it isn’t heavy enough to help with anxiety. If I’m calm, it’s great, but if I go wading through Twitter on it, I just end up buying more candles. That’s a callback, folks. Enjoy it.
…just as I did Illuminate DC’s Sunset Sherbet flowers. That’s a segue. I’m on fire today, baby! My Sunset Sherbet sample was full of similarly dense buds with mebbe a few more trichs than the Headband. Again, there’s a subtle, but more earthy scent, and just slightly sweet. This one leans more indica, but didn’t make me sleepy at all in the morning, nor did it make my head too fuzzy to think. I felt downright contemplative, considering the many lessons I’ve learned, the course I must take…Speaking of, I need a vakay like yesterday, but I think I can hang in here for another week or so. If I’m still wiped after that, I’ll have to face the necessity of hiring an assistant so I can spend more time on my passion, instructing teachers the proper technique for grouping slugs in their students. Nothing says “our democracy is doing just fine, why do you ask?” than asking Mr. Pemberton to pack a heater during History, eh?
Illuminate DC’s illustrious gift menu is going to make them your favorite place to buy candles ever- here’s their website again. The Mango Papaya candle I got smells amazing and helps cover up the more robust scent of our favorite flower from my nosy neighbors that will definitely not be invited into the fallout shelter when the EMP hits. But the Gentleman’s got a seat for you, baby, so long as you Subscribe to my weekly Newsletter!