Abatin Wellness, one of DC’s six medical marijuana cultivators, grows some of the finest flowers this Gentleman has ever smoked, as I’ve mentioned in this review and this one. But don’t just take my word for it! The consulting firm that Abatin uses is NaPro Research, who also happens to consult for 2017’s Emerald Cup Best Overall Strain and Best CBD Strain, Molecular Farms. This Saturday, Jan 27, NaPro’s founder Dr. Mark Lewis will be discussing the science of cannabis extracts at the Fridge DC (here’s the link to RSVP). The District’s medical marijuana menus have really blossomed in the past year and Abatin is no exception. Their new line of tinctures, specially formulated for specific THC:CBD ratios, looks awfully intriguing, but I figured I’d try out the raw, uncut 250mg THC syringe instead. And a vape cartridge, too, what the hell? Just killing time before I’m called upon to save the world by flying a jet straight up a UFO’s bunghole, anyway. Might as well live a little.
That’s exactly what I did yesterday when I took my Abatin Classic vape cartridge on a sweet little hike in the mountains, about an hour north in Maryland. Legal is on my butt to explain that I wasn’t in a national park, which would be illegal. Perish the thought! The first thing I did was read the guide, which provided info regarding the trails and also the copperheads, rattlers, and black bears you might encounter upon your journey. Wait, what? It listed a number of ways you can identify venomous snakes, like a single scale on the underside of the tail and the presence of an anal plate. I’m fairly confident this info has been presented merely to Darwin out of the genepool anyone dumb enough to go looking up a snake’s ass. The black bear info seemed helpful- it advised to make a lot of noise and look bigger, which is one of two ways I’ve heard of defending yourself from bears and I think it’s breed-specific. I say ‘seemed’ cuz I didn’t get a chance to try it out, so they might have written the wrong way on there, and this sociopathic sign-writer is trying to goad me into a goddam bear fight. Probably has cameras strung up all over the place so he can pay-per-view it on the dark web, the crafty bastard.
I chose the trail described as “2 miles- moderate- steep slopes, very little level ground, and a great challenge.” I didn’t come all the way out here to walk a single measly mile on one of the baby trails. I’m here for adventure, by Jove! I tread down carefully, as an overnight rain had left the leaves and stones slick and treacherous. About fifteen minutes later, the parking lot had vanished over the ridge. Confident in my solitude, I took a few draws of my Abatin Classic vape cartridge and marveled at the sun shining brightly through the bare winter trees. Abatin makes a few different blends- the Classic is high THC, Daytime is high CBD, and Balanced is about 1:1. They’ve also just come out with their first single strain cartridge, Classic Jack (Herer). I’m a big Jack fan, so I’m definitely looking forward to checking that one out. They use CO2 extraction with no additives, like our friends at DC Xtracts, so you get a rich, natural flavor with each inhale. The Classic THC is a blend of strains and compliments to the chef, this recipe produces an outstanding hybrid effect that balances out my mood and quiets my anxiety without impairing my ability to think clearly. It was still too cold for snakes and on the list of ways your life could end, being eaten by a bear is definitely way cooler than hooked up to a machine, patronized by imbeciles, suffering in agony and humiliation as your body wastes away. Nothin to worry about.
I love hiking cuz at the end of a two-mile trek that turns out to be 50% uphill, 25% more uphill, and take ninety freakin minutes, you get a real feeling of accomplishment. It may have taken a half-dozen breaks to catch my breath, but those gave me an opportunity to stop and
scan for bears enjoy the view. I’m not as bold with a 250mg syringe of straight THC in canola oil, though. For that experiment, I wrapped myself in a blanket and cozied up on the couch for some Sharknado sequels. Did you know there are 5 Sharknados now and they’re ALL on Netflix? Get the popcorn, baby!
Now, you’re supposed to use the Abatin THC oil to make your own tincture or edibles (can also be used topically), but baking sounds like a bother so I just drank the whole thing. Not very tasty, but it was just a little shot. It took about ninety minutes for the bright sensory enhancement and happy. laughy mood to kick in, just in time for the franchise’s piece de resistance, Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! Ann Coulter is in it but in a heartbreaking turn of events, does not get eaten by a shark, which is a remarkable failure of vision. Everybody dies in Sharknado, how in the hell did Skeletor’s mom get a pass? Anyway, the Abatin THC oil wasn’t quite as strong as I expected, but it definitely got me over the edge where I didn’t feel a need to smoke.
Abatin Wellness continues to impress, this vape formula especially. If you want one for yourself, or oil, or their amazing flowers, you have to be a DC resident and get a medical marijuana card! Reciprocity will kick in for Maryland patients to visit the city sooner or later, but no dice yet. You do not need to be a resident or have a card to enjoy Dr. Lewis’ insights on extracts this Saturday, though! Here’s the RSVP link again. And don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter!