The Hemper Box- Worth It?

Today we’ll be looking at Hemper, one of the most popular subscription boxes on the market geared directly to cannabis enthusiasts. The rise of legalization has brought a lot of boomers back on the scene, wine moms looking to trade the vino for a more manageable vape buzz, millennials that wanna party without a hangover affecting their work performance the next day…everybody, as they say, is kung fu fighting.

Subscription boxes are a great solution for noobs cuz they get to try a little of everything, they’re good for heads cuz it saves a trip to the head shop, and excellent for gifts cuz you look like you care about your loved ones’ interests without having to actually learn anything about them! Now if only they’d make a box for fantasy football, amirite, ladies? Wait, please stop crying. Oh dear. 

One of the things I like about Hemper is that their subscription policy is really flexible. You can choose between receiving a box every month, every two months, or every three months. Then you can either prepay for 3, 6, or 12 orders, however that long takes with your chosen frequency, or pay as you go, cancel anytime hassle-free.

This is great, cuz as a man I have a fear of commitment just like the 90s comedians said I would, and also cuz I’m low on space til I can unload some of these Beanie Babies at the next convention. They’re an investment, Jim!!! The other thing I like about Hemper is that they hail from right here in the DMV. Woot! Yay home team!

Hemper sent the October and November boxes for the Gentleman’s expert analysis, of which the former is one of their special collaborations they put together with influencers in the cannabis community like Dabbing Granny.

I freaking love the Dabbing Granny box cuz the Spooky Beaker rig is awesome, it’s got a black and orange lip, a spider web that glows in the dark, plus it hits really well! It comes with a 14mm male quartz banger (the bowl piece of a dab rig) that seems unusually long, but maybe that’s just me. It doesn’t affect performance at all.

I thought the included card that included a clear photo of the recommended water level to use was a really thoughtful touch, as was the back side that shows you how to use the Hemper Tech Plugs & Caps to keep it clean that are also included in the box. Beyond that, it’s got a Linse push-button lighter, RAW papers, filter tips- pretty standard- along with some Hemper Tech micro-beaded alcohol wipes. Ooh, fancy! 

Each Hemper box comes with a new piece of glass. November’s is a cute little bong with an apple bottom. No, really, I’m not confusing sex with weed again, it’s got an apple in it.

The lip and stem are trimmed in red and there’s an intricate Hemper Traditional Quality beer bottle sorta design printed on the back. It pulls comfortably- I can get a lungful without inducing a coughing fit- and the airflow is such that the bowl goes out right after you’ve hit it, allowing you to smoke at your own pace instead of chasing a burning cherry.

My favorite thing from November is the UV-proof storage jar, like the ones they sell Abatin Kashmir in at the DC dispensaries! I could use a dozen of these things.

Looking past the glass, this box also came with a big pad to keep your glass or tools on (I use these for my dirty tools so they don’t gunk up the counter), a lighter, filter tips, pack of 3 king-sized prerolled cones, a pair of vegan, tobacco-free High Hemp organic blunt wraps, and three little smell-proof bags. 

Hemper claims that each of their $30 boxes contain $80-$100 worth of items. Both boxes were in that range, maybe even more for October, as a banger could run you $25-$30 all by itself.

The pleasing aesthetics and smooth function of both glass pieces, along with the usefulness of Hemper Tech’s cleaning supplies, made me think that real, live stoners were consulted in the design phase, like this stuff was actually made with me in mind and not, like, a bunch of Q-Tips they bought wholesale and relabeled.

I felt hugged, but by a box, and that’s not weird at all, so let’s stop talking about my intimacy issues, please. Here, check out Hemper for yourself!