I keep thinking about slime monsters.
A solitary scream that devolves into a viscous, angry gurgle. Flesh bubbling, melting, congealing into one misshapen lump of broken bones, inverted organs, and gnashing teeth. A hand reaches out of the roiling abomination even as it liquifies, dragging another misbegotten soul into this infernal singularity. Then another. Each victim joins the legion’s rapidly expanding mass. Escape quickly becomes impossible. A thousand maws erupting in a shrill cacophony, an exquisite symphony of rage, pain, confusion. The creature catches sight of me in a pod of eyeballs and advances, oozing across the ground. Raising itself into a great, lumbering height, the foul behemoth looms over me, acidic drool falling in sizzling puddles around my feet…
“Life sucks, right?” I say, cuz balls, why not, “Wanna get high?”
I’m not, eh, exactly keen on heading down to the Inauguration. Too many people, regardless of whether they metamorphose into The Blob or not. But I plan to be there with DCMJ, handing out joints or checking IDs (psst, you can sign up to help here). You may have heard a little something about the ingenious plan from Adam Eidinger, Nickolas Schiller, & Co to keep cannabis reform relevant & newsworthy amongst the shitstorm Trump’s transition team has led, it’s only been mentioned literally everywhere except here because, honestly, Fuck The News. I can’t keep up that stuff and a day job, tried it, nope nope nope. It’s reviews only from here out.
Speaking of! Oooh, baby, let me tell you about my latest crush. Are you following District Connoisseurs on Instagram? Wait, are you following me? Do that, too, please! It’s for my Self-Esteem. Anyway, I met up with these folks at an event recently and all those pretty slabs are even better in person. Where you can smoke them.
I got some of the Lemon Live Resin to try. Y’all know your Gentleman is partial to the wonderfully flavorful terps live resin provides. In case you aren’t hip, this concentrate is created by processing uncured, fresh-frozen flower. This live resin demonstrates flawless clarity, shatter-like consistency, and is frankly quite delicious. The expected limonene is abundant, but its a sharply sour note that leaves you smacking your lips afterwards, feeling like you’ve just taken a fresh bite of fruit.
This Lemon from District Connoisseurs is All Systems Go, broadcasting in 10×10, an instant shot of energy, focus, and clarity to the cerebellum. Good daytime medicine is highly prized- oh, there’s just so many things to do in a day, aren’t there- and this particular strain proved a real blessing. A tasty dab or load on the wax pen increases my mental agility to handle any task while alleviating the discomforting thoughts brought on by anxiety and depression. Most highly recommended!
District Connoisseurs also has a marvelous, curated selection of fine flowers. They generously gave me a smattering of different strains for sampling, but when I saw the coveted Lambs Breath at their booth, I had to get some of that, too. I was hoping to find this native flower when I was in Jamaica, but all I found were mids. Tourist problems, right? All of the Connoisseur’s cannabis has a fine coat of trichomes but the Lambs Breath was especially frosty. It had a sweet dairy taste and brought on an uplifting, content high perfect for a walk in this mid-January autumn spell.
The other strains also exceeded expectations. Girl Scout Cookies smelled sweet, with a soft pine, and put me in an excellent mood to start my weekend. The Gorilla Glue was even sweeter, a deep and lingering aroma that was best for zoning out to some quality television. The XJ-13 produced a strong body high while inhibiting thought, so I was looking for some activity to keep me busy. Oh, but the Strawberry Kush was easily my favorite- it truly does smell softly of its namesake and is an excellent choice for evening relaxation with a loud, heady buzz that also relieves muscle tension. The Cat Piss did not, in fact, smell like ammonia at all. Rather a mix of limonene and pinene that had me especially chatty. Maybe I’ll bring some of this along on Friday.
You don’t really think the crowd will become an all-consuming, wrathful horde of protoplasm, do you? No. No, of course not.
Sigh. Nothing cool ever happens in this dimension.